What
is your cat thinking while she watches you have sex? Well, I’ll tell you.
Even if you are as sexually conventional as they come in this culture--
let’s say you’re in a committed heterosexual relationship and you’re not into
all that kinky stuff: you’re not dressed up in a Dick Cheney mask with clamps
on your nipples and Wagner’s Ring Cycle playing in the background. You haven’t inserted a
Bluetooth-enabled electrical shock probe in your anus that’s connected to the
internet to be triggered by changes in the HangSeng stock index. Rather, you’re with your partner, in
private, in your bedroom, hugging, kissing, petting, licking, having vaginal
intercourse: the usual. Total
Ozzie-and-Harriet scene. Your cat
still thinks that you’re a goddamn freak.
And she’s right.
She’s revolted by the fact that you mate during the female’s non-fertile time. That’s just disgusting. And she thinks that you’re a moron for sticking with one sexual partner during a given ovulatory cycle. That makes no sense at all. And this privacy thing. That’s just weird. Everyone know that you’re supposed to have sex in public where the social group can watch. Finally, if a baby results from this lovemaking, she’ll wonder what the male is doing, hanging around all the time, helping out or providing resources. And don’t get her started on that child: four years old and it still can’t take care of itself? What a loser.